a piece of advice

 I have a lot to say and a lot of things to process so I want to just do it.  I want to say things I want to say and I’ve gone back and forth on where to start so I will start on something that my mind goes back to over and over again.

It’s a piece of advice I would give to anyone in a relationship with someone they care about, especially to the husbands.

Compliment your significant other. Husbands, compliment your wives. 

It may sound shallow or insignificant but I promise you, it makes an impact. Compliment their looks, their clothes, their hair, their talents, their abilities, their efforts, their patience, their creativity, compliment and compliment sincerely. 

Something few people know about me is that I have struggled with my self-esteem for my entire life. From adolescence to adulthood I have felt not pretty enough, not funny enough, not smart enough, not enough. I have battled with body dysmorphia, the way I view myself and the way I talk to myself. There are days where I feel like I wear a mask or put on a performance, but deep down I am always my most harshest critic.  

When I got married at 19, I had opened up to my then husband and throughout our 13 year marriage that I struggled with my self-esteem and confidence. It was consistent but especially worse during the times I had our 2 children.  I needed reassurance, I needed encouragement…I needed compliments.

When I achieved hard things or accomplished goals, I needed praise, I needed celebration…I needed compliments.

At my lowest of lows and even on the good days, I needed them. 

Instead I found myself falling short of them.  Was it me? Was I still not pretty enough or skinny enough or strong enough or smart enough?

Where was the reassurance, encouragement, praise, celebration and compliments that I so desperately needed from the one person in the world above all else who should be giving those things to me? When he knew I so very much needed them.

I would find them on random Sunday before church…because he deemed it necessary because I was dressed up?

After I had hiked the entire Grand Canyon after having surgery 2 weeks prior…was I finally strong enough to earn it?

There was the silent support of begrudgingly watching the children so I could take time to prepare for a half marathon, or spend time with friends because I needed that connection. I realized I was constantly seeking to be good enough. And in that seeking, I had begun to find myself.  I wanted to feel worthy enough for compliments.

In an argument after I had decided on divorce I said to my then husband “you never compliment me”. And his response still infuriates and saddens me. 

“I didn’t know I needed to.”

”I thought you always knew you were the prettiest one in the room.”

Husbands (and wives), do not assume. Do not withhold a compliment because it seems obvious or redundant. Genuine compliments will not get old, she will never tire of them and she needs them.